There are lots of things in life that throw you off track. Recently, it feels as though everything in my life has thrown me off track. I’m going through huge changes, in every aspect of my world as I know it.
I’ve had two choices here. I could let the world around me collapse (and believe me, that seems the easiest of options), or I could choose to rebuild everything from the ground up. I could take the opportunity for a fresh start and I could find the courage to take chances I might never have taken before.
I’ve neglected my blog over the past few months and if I’m honest, I’ve neglected myself too. I’ve found myself at rock bottom, in situations that force me to curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor and just cry until I’m so out of energy that I fall asleep. Only to wake up and go through the whole process again. I’ve barely eaten, I’ve not exercised in a long time, I’ve wondered if there’s any point in carrying on. It really hurts me to write that out. I’m ashamed of being the complete opposite of the strong person I’ve always believed myself to be. But if you know me at all, you know I never shy away from the truth. I hope that doesn’t affect your opinion of me.
Why am I talking about this? I’m not even sure I know the answer. I guess it helps to tell a bunch of people that I’m not ok all the time. It probably helps to have people reach out when I tell them I’m not ok. It definitely helps to put all of the sadness in my head into something more tangible. Maybe I can make sense of it then, or maybe I’m just the girl who started off rambling in her nightdress (reference to my first ever blog, if you aren’t aware!) and is now rambling in her ever so slightly more adult pyjamas.
Part of me wishes I didn’t feel the need to write this, part of me thinks that it’ll invite negative opinions. Maybe I’m “attention seeking” or maybe I’m just a drama queen (definitely a drama queen), but there’s a stigma here and I’m keen to address it. Honesty is the only way I know how to do that.
And the thing is, despite all of this, I’m realising that I know I will be ok again. And I want to share that realisation with anyone who might be going through the same things. And I’m facing the facts. Sometimes you don’t get the closure that you want. Sometimes you don’t get to understand why people act the way they do. Sometimes you have to find peace in yourself and not someone else. And perhaps the most painful reality of all is that sometimes you have to ride the wave before you get to be ok again.
In the meantime, bear with me. I’ll be right back and hopefully I’ll be stronger for it.