I wasn’t going to write this post. I was desperately trying not to pen anything to do with what ended up being months of pain, stretching far beyond your typical heartbreak. But here I am realising that, right now, this is the only thing I want to share with whoever still reads this little old blog. One final hurrah to a period of my life that is well and truly over. And let’s be honest, it’s easier to talk about feelings. I have a lot of them…
If my last post (and the title of this one) wasn’t obvious enough – I went through a break up. At the same time, I quit my job. And because I was living with my boyfriend at the time, I also needed to find a new home. In the space of about two days, everything changed. I realised that I would be moving to a place where I didn’t really have anybody. In other words, I was suddenly the most “alone” I’d ever felt.
This, of course, wasn’t true. I had (well, have) the most incredible group of friends and family who have supported me every step of the way. The cliché about realising who your friends are in your hardest times? Very much the truth. As I hinted to in my last post, I had a really difficult time adjusting and was struggling to see a future existence beyond the pain I felt in that moment. It crossed my mind that it would be easier if I just didn’t exist anymore. I contemplated jumping into my car and driving as far as I could, laying in a field and just staying there. (Because why not imagine living in the middle of a field, hey?). All I wanted was for the nightmare to be over.
And it was those around me who convinced me that my life wasn’t as over as I thought. So yes, I was going through a lot of change, and it would be difficult, but it would also become a huge (and necessary) life experience to make me who I am today. (Another cliché – don’t say I don’t treat you!). My loved ones did everything to get me through – from cuddling me while I cried to offering me a place to stay when I became “homeless” for a month or so (shout out to the best people ever). We’ll call this character building!
Almost all of these people have told me something recently: You seem so much happier. So much lighter. Like I’m not being weighed down by this invisible anchor. And it’s really true – I’m not just happier than when I was going through the end of a 5-year relationship, but happier than I was before the relationship had even ended in the first place. I was having a hard time pinpointing exactly why I felt so down all of the time and of course there are a million reasons aside from the relationship stuff as to why I was unhappy – which I’ll probably touch on in a future post or two – but what became astoundingly clear was that a lot needed to change.
I always told myself I was strong, brave and capable. But ending an unhappy relationship was a difficult decision to make. I wanted it to work, I wanted to spend my whole life with that person. The last thing I wanted to do was to walk away. It was only when I found myself in a situation that offered no other choice that I took that giant off-the-cliff step. Now that I have actually ~survived~ all of that, I realise that my strength, bravery, capability never went away. I was never not those things, because taking that step was an embodiment of those things. Even contemplating that step was. I was well and truly embracing the unknown. And yeah, that’s bloody terrifying. But I actually find it exhilarating too, now. I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but isn’t that incredibly exciting?
So, basically, ex-boyfriend of mine, thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for making me realise that I am stronger than I ever believed. Thank you for giving me this future. Thank you for helping me discover myself again. Thank you for the years of incredibly happy memories, which I’ll never regret, but thank you for your part in ending them too. No hard feelings, just thank you.